I hold my son a little tighter tonight; stroke his head once more than needed. I breathe his sleepy sighs and inhale his whispered Mama. He makes my heart hurt a little less; I am so thankful for him.
Recently, like too many others, we lost something. And I really don’t know how I should be now, what I should do. I don’t know if this is private; if I should explain my absences and cancelled plans with vague excuses of flu and a packed schedule. Or if I should admit that something big and sad has happened, and that I’m not okay at the moment.
I know that these things happen every day; but not to me, not to you. When they do, they change you, change your life – or at least the life you thought you were going to have and who you were going to have it with.
I suppose all that we can do is let ourselves acknowledge what we have lost, who our family might have been and that something that was part of us has gone. Maybe that is all we need, that and to hold each other until all of this hurts a little less.
So for Baby Loss Awareness week, for everyone who is hurting, and for all the lights that burnt bright, for however long: I am sorry, and I am standing here, right where you are, or where you have been.
Sometimes we lose things, and we don’t know why
You were a seed, a pip, a bean, a star
You were special and loved but couldn’t stay
You were ours, and we were yours
I think of you at night and again when I wake
I think of all you should have been and I feel sad
I think of everything we wrapped up in you, in who you might be
I think it isn’t fair, it isn’t right but that it happens; sometimes we lose things
You were a brother or a sister, a dream and a hope
A sober Christmas, a spring bump
You were a life and you were loved
You were there, you were part of me
I touch my scars and feel your absence – you lost, me empty
I am sorry things weren’t right, I am sorry we lost, I am so sorry
I will see you in autumn, in full trees and a bright breeze
I will miss you and I will love you
We will hold each other tight and grieve for you
But we won’t regret the hope, the excitement or the love
It was still real, and so were you
It’s just sometimes we lose things, and we are so sorry we lost you
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