FAO CBeebies HQ

Home / FAO CBeebies HQ - December 16, 2014 , by yvettelamb

IMG_7275Dear CBeebies Boss Person,

I appreciate that being in charge of something so important means you must be very talented and work extremely hard. Either that or you’re knocking off Mr Tumble. Regardless, congratulations.

With that in mind, I don’t wish to tell you your job. I am but a humble parent, who relies on your channel to get me through some dark times – literally – as my son deems 5:30 AM an acceptable time to wake. So firstly, please begin CBeebies before 6, to save me and thousands of others having to do anything drastic like communicate and entertain at such an ungodly hour. Thank you.

To be clear, I really do appreciate what you are bringing to the table, and I also understand that your programmes are meant to be loud, bright and annoying – I do.

I’m not going to complain about the headaches or the abysmal songs that get stuck in my head ALL day and make me want to commit crimes. I understand that they are not for me, they are for the little people. The ones like my son, who, despite the awful lyrics and poor to limited vocal talent, turn catpoo crazy for your little ditties.  It’s all a bit U certificated voodoo really, though perhaps less sinister. So, they’re fine by me because I’m a thoughtful parent. Or at least one who needs enough time to sellotape her eyelids open, down a mountain of tea and throw stuff at bowls in the mornings.

However. Boss person, there are some things, some things that just aren’t right over at Beebie Palace. And, as one who cares about your future – (how will I parent my child without TV?) – I feel it imperative that I raise some issues as a matter of urgency.  The main problem is around character development; particularly in light of the fact that these “people” are acting as role models for the young of our society. There’s a lot of weight on your shoulders you know, so I would consider these issues carefully if I were you. I may be just a frazzled mummy, but I do have insight and knowledge. Or I’m just riding high on coffee and pro-plus; I don’t even think I know anymore.

The following shows contain my most urgent irritants, mainly because that’s all I can force him to watch at the moment. The rest of the time we are busy with imaginative play and sensory development to correct the damage television is doing to his personality. I do these things because I’m a good parent – one who definitely knows what imaginative play and sensory development is – and who isn’t just using buzz words to sound like I’ve got it sussed.

Anyway, this is the junk I may possibly be a little over-involved in:

Me Too!

– Doctor Juno does not realistically reflect the workload and pressure placed upon medical professionals. Whose shift begins at 10 AM? She has a worrying work ethic and whilst breaking into song is all very well, what I’m really after from my Doctor is a diagnosis and some drugs if I could just get your attention for a SECOND please.

– Also, I actually wouldn’t call it ‘so exciting in the hospital’ – rushing blue lights tend to signal a medical emergency in my experience – not a cue to waltz around singing a merry little self-effacing tune. Get back to work.

– Granny Murray is literally THE most annoying character that ever was. Ever. Why is her knitwear selection so limited? Is she paid for all this child minding and dog sitting? Can she do both? Are Ofsted aware? Why does she live with a mannequin?
Her use of honey-pie is offensive, as is every single thing about her.
Oh and FYI – sitting down is NOT an activity.

Baby Jake

– Ginny – is he one of Baby Jake’s many siblings or is he in fact – a tree? He thinks he’s a tree! He lurches around the living room, every day, his arms imitating branches (impressively I must say), and sits down to dinner still dressed as a tree. As a tree! What the dickens is going on here? Please tell us more as a matter of urgency; after a thorough and sensitive psychological assessment has been carried out, naturally.


– Baba Pink, Blue, Orange; whatever – this show needs to be shot – please. It is condescending to one year olds, really. I’ll wipe the bleeding cobwebs from the moon myself if you just make it stop. And if you could do so by ‘nightingdom’ I’d be ever so grateful.
Basically need to hop on their sky train and sod off.

Postman Pat

– I know we’re all meant to love Postman Pat who was part of our own TV childhood, blah blah blah. But the thing is: he’s a damn chump. Incompetent, arrogant, unapologetic. And really – let’s be honest – shouldn’t be trusted with a helicopter or the royal mail. Jess would do a better job, and I think may well be mewing for his retirement. You have the power to make it happen. Special deliver this loser his P45 – see what I did there?

In The Night Garden

– The Tombliboos are alcoholics, yes? Highly functioning ones may be (they keep their slides immaculate), but you do know that you’re normalising, and knocking back that volume of Pinky Ponk juice is not normal?

– Is Igglepiggle meant to be portrayed as sexually obsessed? Deliberate developing storyline or actor improvisation gone awry? Were you aware he pinched Upsy Daisy’s bum as they sauntered onto the Ninky Nonk recently? It happened, I bore witness. And I just think it’s important that you know – no matter how many sponges Makka Pakka cleans him with – he’s always going to be dirty.

I look forward to hearing back from you on the above matters, and thank you in anticipation of your proactive approach. Please be assured this is not just for my benefit, it is for everyone: cast, crew and parents alike. Oh, and kids too, they’ll definitely be pleased as well, or not notice. I can’t quite call it.

Yours sincerely,

Big Trouble’s Mum who knows she should really get herself a life

Does this drivel drive you bonkers too? Or are there other ‘gems’ I am missing out on? Please feel free to comment below or via my Facebook or Twitter.


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Friday Frolics

51 thoughts on “FAO CBeebies HQ”

  1. Love this, really made me smile! I totally agree I end up getting far too invested in certain shows, the one that seems to bother me the most is Grandpa in My Pocket. The continuity doesn’t make sense, will Jason Mason get the shrinking hat or the new cousins???

    1. Haha! You really can’t help but get sucked in though can you? Impossible, try as I might! I have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ of Grandpa in My Pocket but I’m sure it won’t be long… Thanks for the warning! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  2. Michelle says:

    Thank you — for making me laugh out loud throughout! Just brilliant!

    1. Thank you Michelle! And thanks for sharing 🙂

  3. Charlie says:


    Grannie Murray made me laugh the most. I find her hilarious given that my husband and I regularly watch her on adult Scottish TV (Chewing the Fat and Still Game) in which she plays VERY different, rude roles. That woman should not be near children 🙂

    1. Oh my word, I KNEW there was something not right about that woman! She should be ashamed of herself 😉 Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for the low-down on Granny!

  4. Fabulous post. Yes ‘In The Nightgarden’ i love the start of it and the song but the characters are all a little odd…I do wish they would show things liks Button Moon! I quite like Milkshake on channel 5, some of the programmes are lovely. I like Ben and Hollys Little Kingdom and my little boy loves a show called Tickety Tock. However for any aduly watching you will surely be driven insane lol. Merry Christmas!

    1. Oh yes, I loved Button Moon! Thanks for the other tips – I will try and get him to broaden his horizons – he could be as irritated as me by them for all I know! Merry Christmas too and thanks for taking the time to comment 🙂

  5. Haha, this really made me lol! so very relevant and so very funny to read. x

  6. Haha, this made me giggle. There’s a whole host of oddness about ITNG… the husband is obsessed by the lack of true scale – take a look at the relative sizes of them all & then tell us how they fit properly in the Ninky Nonk. One minute, Iggle Piggle is towering above Macca Pacca, the next he’s seemingly the same size. That’s without even starting on MP’s own ocd or the *definite* inappropriate relationship between Upsy Daisy & IP… Ok, maybe I’m getting a bit obsessed too! I kind of miss cbeebies, though; my 3 year old prefers Disney Jr & Nick Jr now, sob.

    1. Ha, that’s so true about the scale! It makes no sense. Upsy Daisy is a giant compared to MP and the Tombliboos but they do all seem the same when guzzling in the pinky ponk (which also changes size a lot!) It’s easy to get drawn into it though – I’m glad I’m not alone! I hope the Disney and Nick channels are a little less annoying but I imagine they probably still are – just in different ways!

      1. Becky says:

        I am totally with you on the scale of ITNG!!! It annoys me every time!!!

        1. Yvette Lamb says:

          What’s weird is that when we saw it live recently (I Know!) they seemed to have really thought about the different scales and it was quite ‘accurate’ – yet on the programme they balls it up all the time!

  7. The L's Mum says:

    This post put a huge smile on my face. I really do have a similar way of thinking when it comes to watching the kids tv programmes. Because I do end up watching it, even if I have put it on to have a peaceful five minutes with my cuppa. Upsey daisy is always flashing her knickers, and postman pat just seems wrong using a bluetooth for his mobile phone. Great post, I hope Mr Cbeebies takes note #TheList

    1. Thank you. Yes, it’s impossible not to get involved isn’t it? My son doesn’t seem to invest in the same way, or pick up on the many plot anomalies, he seems to just watch for entertainment purposes. Strange boy!

  8. becky says:

    Oh I love this! I could right a list like this all for myself, like why does Bing Bunny (god i hate that bunny) live with a thing…really what is it? And is it his parent? And why is it so small? And WHY didnt he get told off when he threw the shoe down the toilet!!! (I may rip of your idea and do my own kinda thing in the future! I hope you dont mind!)

    Fab post and glad to hav found you, cant wait to explore your blog some more!


    1. Thank you! Please, work away – the more attention we bring to these ‘serious’ character issues, the quicker they can be resolved… we can cause a revolution! Let me know if/when you do! My son doesn’t seem drawn in by Bing Bunny yet – but I fear it won’t be long as he’s recently developed a ‘thing’ for rabbits!!

  9. Ha ha this made me smile. Completely agree – especially about the sexual deviant that is Iggle Piggle! I’m quite glad my little one appears to have left Cbeebies behind and headed over to Nick Jnr, although they have their fair share of weirdo programmes too!

    1. I keep hearing about Nick Jnr – am quite looking forward to the next stage – though no doubt I will find fault there as well. Serves me right for over-investing though I know!

  10. hannah mum's days says:

    i love the word chump! I’m going to use it more in 2015 🙂 We’re more of a Milkshake/Disney lot here so I don’t know most of the shows…but in a weird way I now want to watch Me Too purely to see how really awful Granny Murray is!!

    Thanks for linking up to #TheList and Happy New Year! xxx

    1. Haha! Granny Murray definitely has to be seen to be believed. She will haunt your dreams though, so I do think you should stay away 😉 Someone else mentioned milkshake and since then I have been tuning into C5 when I remember – much preferring Mr Men and Thomas to some of the Cbeebies nonsense! Happy new Year! x

  11. This is brilliant! We love the tombliboos but I think they probably do have a ‘problem’ and they are often without trousers which is a little odd! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

    1. Thanks Aby. Oh yes the trousers! How could I forget. Surely this is linked to their pinky ponk juice addiction too!

  12. I definitely think the Tombliboos are suspicious. They are always cuddling and kissing each other for no reason and their trousers always fall off. I’m not sure it’s appropriate viewing for a 16 month old! I wrote a post a bit like this a while ago about Peppa Pig!!

    1. Haha! I agree it is far too adult – a bit like pantos!! I’ll have a look for your peppa pig post – I’m sure my little one will be obsessed with that before long!

  13. Emma says:

    My Pets, My Pets and Me!!!! Awful title song and what is it with that man and his dancing??? Shoot. Me. Now.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Yes! It’s awful isn’t it? Why is he so enthusiastic? TOO enthusiastic – it’s a rabbit – calm down!!

  14. Claire says:

    Amusingly there’s an advert for the first ever (!) Bing DVD under your post 😀

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Haha! Targeted advertising at its best / worst! Bing is one of the better ones… although I now have the theme tune in my head – most probably for the rest of the day!

  15. Martyn says:

    I am obsessed with Ben and Holly. I find myself watching it when my children are in bed. On my own. And I laugh at the jokes 🙁

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      That’s so funny! I haven’t seen Ben and Holly but it was mentioned (positively) in another comment too. So I either really need to check it out, or really need to avoid in case it leads me in too deep as well!

  16. I really, really dislike Baby Jake and I have been told off so many times for not making the noise right! You are so, so right. Just a little earlier would save millions of mums a little time and we could probably sneak in a power nap while they begin their daily CBeebies routine haha! x

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      An early morning power nap – even if it did mean Baby Jake seeps into our nightmares – would make the rest of the day so much easier I’m sure! My husband was only saying this morning how much he hates Baby Jake (out of nowhere!) but then proceeded to ‘sing’ all about pengi-quin and co… No Issac and Jake, the word is PENGUIN!! 😉

  17. CaroleHeidi says:

    Somebody once pointed out to me that Ifgle Piggle looks like a giant blue dildo that carries round its own cleaning cloth.

    I have never been able to unsee this.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Oh my word they are right – ewww! I always thought that blanket looked rather grubby. I may have to fight the urge to be sick in my mouth when it’s on this evening!

  18. Kelly says:

    Awesome! Made me laugh, thanks 🙂

    I can’t believe Iggle Piggle!! I never knew he was that way inclined. My whole outlook on him has changed. The bastard.


  19. Granny Murray makes me want to drink vodka. From the bottle.

    Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  20. This is brilliant!

    We haven’t graduated to Cbeebies yet, unfortunately. We’re currently rotting our baby’s brain with badly animated youtube songs, sung in Indian accents, featuring kittens being drowned in wells and people being thrown down stairs for not saying their prayers. Still better than In the Night Garden though.

  21. Talya says:

    Haha another corker love it! #FridayFrolics

  22. Love this – all so true! We only ever really have cbeebies on (as it has no adverts to annoy us). Zach’s new fave is the Twirlywoos. I don’t know if you have seen this but to get themselves out of a pickle, they have little propellers on their heads to make them fly and escape. What I want to know is, how when they are in a room in a house, do they manage to get out through the ceiling? Do their little propeller heads saw a hole through it and out the roof? Please Cbeebies…tell me! #FridayFrolics

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Haha! It’s so funny the things that bug us – damn plot inconsistencies! I have only seen it once and found it very soothing and hypnotic… or maybe I was just really tired that day!

  23. Mummy Fever says:

    Howling in agreement here and yes why is 6am and acceptable time to start lol! #FridayFrolics

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks! Pre-6 AM is an evil time to be up, and without television is just the pits!

  24. Kate Chapman says:

    Brilliant – am laughing along in agreement! And yes, how the hell has Postman Pat still got a job? Don’t even get me started on Granny Murray….. #fridayfrolics

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      Thanks Kate. I feel sometimes we may be a little over-invested but… there really are so many flaws!

  25. Fionnuala says:

    Postman Pat…exactly. He’s so bloody useless and then everyone is delighted when he finally sorts out the mess he made.
    Have you see the Irish youtube version, Postman Patrick? Hilarious but terrible language.

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      I hadn’t but have just looked it up – hilarious! Pat really is such a loser – watching him makes me quite angry some mornings.

  26. Becky says:

    I love this, although my son only watched ITNG from your list. Malls Pakka needs addressing I feel…he takes a stone to bed! Spends his time cleaning the stones with his sponge then cleans the other characters faces with same sponge – hygienic? I think not! And what about the blue family who live next door to the PontyPines, why do we never see them?! X

    1. Yvette Lamb says:

      thank you and waaah at makka pakka – so true! In fairness, they are all a bit… affected in some way. I wouldn’t really want to be left alone with any of them!

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