Why Children Need a Stint at Charm School

Home / Why Children Need a Stint at Charm School - February 11, 2016 , by yvettelamb

Although it’s wonderful to have my toddler at an age where he can communicate with me, I’ve started to notice a significant downside – in the form of Brutal Honesty. How long does it take for kids to realise they don’t have to tell the truth about everything, anyway? (Confusing and potentially slippery slope, I realise.)

In the last couple of months, he has pointed out that my bum is wobbly, my hair is, “Fluffy… like a dog,” and that I am not a lady. When I ask him what I am, he responds, “Hmmm, can’t remember what you is.” Although I could hazard a guess, based on his loud proclamation that, “Mummy has her willy out,” in the supermarket toilets last week. For the record, I don’t have a willy, and if I did, I definitely wouldn’t wave it around in a public space, just to be clear.

So you see, there’s definite cons to growing communication skills. Although I am at least thankful most of his insults are directed at me, rather than innocent strangers. A big improvement on the phase a few months back where he only identified males and females by having short or long hair, leading to one occasion in a café with a very loud, “Mummy, that man is ENORMOUS!”

toddler insults

This is the figure he refers to as “Mummy” every. single. time we play. He is quite striking, but not the look I was going for

“Err, yes, over there, in the far distance, I see, darling,” I manage to hastily respond, avoiding the gaze of the (very normal sized) woman with cropped hair and a suspicious expression. In his defence, he was pretty pleased with his growing vocabulary, so once a word was learnt – in this case enormous – it was liberally applied to everything from his water cup to average sized humans. Not that there is anything wrong with being enormous anyway, but I digress.

I wondered if I was the only one on the receiving end of daily insults from the child I had nursed and carried, and kind of hoped I wasn’t – misery loves company after all.  So I took to my Facebook and Instagram pages to ask other victims parents for the best insults they had received from their charming offspring. Combined with my own corkers, here are the funniest – and to be fair – meanest:

Looking good, Momma (sort of)

Let’s kick things off with Sarah, who didn’t get quite the response she was hoping for from her daughter, proving that a child’s attempts at niceness can be just as cutting as a planned attack: ‘I was trying on my swimming costume which I’d not worn in years. My 2 year old said, “So pretty mummy, you look like a dinosaur!”

Whereas Claire’s son surely must have known this likening wasn’t going to go down so well… I mean honestly, kids… think: ‘My 5 year old told me the other morning when I woke up I looked different and like someone from a film. Then said “Yeah you look like hmmmm, you know in labyrinth, you know the king of the goblins!”
Great, thanks!’

Life Love & Dirty Dishes little boy is yet to realise that though beauty comes in many forms, not all likenings are especially coveted, ‘My son once told me I looked beautiful. Swiftly followed by “you look just like a peacock.” Random and not the look I was going for!’

The Best (worst) insults – kids can be so cruel…

I’m not approving of this cut-so-deep insult from Natalie’s son per se, but I am quite impressed by it. I may have been trying to find an occasion to use it ever since… ‘Mine once called me a “Crotch Stink.” ‘Nuff said!’

And there’s no pretending Meg’s little boy means anything but cut-throat brutality with this: ‘Whenever my toddler walks in on me in the shower he shouts “urgh mama!” points at me in disgust, and walks out. It makes me feel so good about myself…’

Whereas back in this house, these are the conversations we seem to be having with increasing regularity:

‘Mummy – why is your face like that?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s all red, shall you put your makeup on?’

‘Err… okay.’ [Near tears]

‘Mummy – what your face looking like that for? Why is your face?’

‘It’s just my face! I can’t help it.’ [I think I might have resting bitch face but it hardly needs pointing out, pal]

This one from Rebekah might be one of my favourites… not least because I live in fear of the toddler spotting my chin hair. ‘My little girl has recently started pointing at my face and naming all the different parts “Mummy’s eyes” ‘Mummy’s nose” Mummy’s mouth”. Today… ”MUMMY’S BEARD!!!!” WTF! Bloody daddy!

And on behalf of her friend (ahem), Lesley shares this corker, ‘Not mine, but a friend (honestly!) was rushing to dress one morning while her 4 year old sat on the bed watching. As she struggled to squeeze her ample bosoms into her tired old bra her little darling pipes up “Mummy, you’re never going to get THOSE in THERE.”’

Similarly, Marion will never have to worry about her daughter hiding her true feelings, as she observes regularly, “Nice yellow teeth Mummy” and “Wow Your tummy is very big”

Lastly a shout out to Jayne whose offspring know that often the most effective insults are the simplest… ‘I have been “stinky pooh head” and told that my tummy is very wobbly!’

Sometimes kid, it’s best to just say nothing at all…

Rhian’s little one is an expert in disguising insults with affection, although, I’m not sure she is particularly skilled at it: ‘My 4yo comes up to me and pinches my “muffin top” (quite hard sometimes!) and says, “I love your chub.” So sweet?!’

And Gemma’s tot definitely needs to learn the important life lesson: If you’re not sure, don’t ask!‘Mine kept asking if I had a baby in my tummy, like Aunty Em – who was 8 months pregnant!’

Whereas my son, perhaps because we’d been reading Goldilocks, or perhaps because he was genuinely concerned, came out with this bad boy recently: “Look at Big Momma, are you going to break that chair?” (Damn you husband, referring to me as Big Momma! And why doesn’t the toddler copy the nice nicknames?!

Protected by cuteness

Protected by cuteness

Then occasionally, they get it so right… (I would have done a section about compliments, but err, this is the only one there was.)

Here’s Chrisi, who escapes from insults at the expense of her partner – sorry Dad! ‘I’m lucky daddy gets told he’s stinky I however am beautiful apparently!’

All in all, I’d say it’s a good job they’re cute – this was obviously factored into their design to enable them to get away with ANYTHING.


What crackers have your kids come out with… either to you or other unsuspecting adults? Feel free to leave a comment or visit my Facebook page. 

2 thoughts on “Why Children Need a Stint at Charm School”

  1. Brilliant post. Really made me laugh. I had a compliment from a 5 year old today and it made my day!!! I wore sunglasses for the school run because, well it was sunny. My son came out and said one of his classmates said I was a “really cool dude”. I’m ignoring the dude part.

  2. Hahaha!!! Kids are little punks!
    My boy is usually pretty rude but the other day he said ” Mummy. I love your beautiful elbow that God gave you”. Ah, shucks! My God-given elbow blushed!
    That’s about as nice as he gets truth be told.
    Cracking post x

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