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How to Get Pregnant in 25 Easy Steps

And then there were 3

1.Chat with boyfriend about having children – perhaps two or three of ‘em. Imagine them growing up in a perfect bubble of bliss, or something. Agree you will stop birth control and make a baby as soon as married.

2. Have a wonderful wedding day and talk about how romantic a Honeymoon baby would be. Convince self you are pregnant on Honeymoon as a bit more tired than normal and just have a feeling. Tiredness is nothing to do with all the drinking and late nights, and you are definitely not delusional with the feeling

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Raising A Baby – The Essentials

 Five things it is essential to know about raising a baby*

baby*Not really that essential at all

  1. It is easier to open a packet of cakes than make a sandwich. Especially one handed (you do it with your teeth).
  2. You won’t enjoy every moment. Bask in some and just try to get through others. You’ll recognise which is which, though the first usually involves a smiling or sleeping baby and the second – poo on the carpet and exhausted crying from you both.
  3. The kitchen floor isn’t dirtier than it used to be, you just notice it more now you are not at work. Stop looking down.
  4. Takeaways are your friend. Don’t judge yourself, even when you drop a bit of peperoni on your sleeping baby’s head
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It’s Halloween, Baby!

I will haunt your dreams

‘90% of having a baby is dressing them up in silly outfits, right?’

A very naïve me, pre-children.

Sadly, I have discovered that is in fact NOT the case. Maybe 5% – and that’s only for as long as he is unable to forcefully object.

Today, however, is  one of them – Halloween, the only time it is acceptable to spend your day making large vegetables look sinister and roaming the streets begging for food.

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The Ten Commandments of Soft Play

soft play

Never mind Terms of Play, these are the real rules of engagement – for the parents at least.

1. Thou shall inevitably look after someone else’s children.

I make no secret of it, my purpose in going to this bouncy wonderland is to play with (and protect) my one year old. But I always, always, ALWAYS end up with at least one other child attached to me. Duties can include but not be limited to – encouragement and clapping, watching them swing, jump and leap (by order of ‘watch me, watch me’), assist up, down, over and under slides, help into ball pits, help out of ball pits and rescue from frankly terrifying ‘bridge of net’.

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The Big Baby’s Guide to Newborn Bundles

Do not be alarmed - I come in peace

Hey there baby,

How’s it going? Blink once for good, twice for bad and three times for I don’t know what the hell you are saying.

It’s okay if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, it’s a tough old world. Not that you will have seen much beyond your parents arms and the little prison they call your crib, but I appreciate you haven’t had the easiest start and are probably still catching your breath.  Let me reassure you before we go any further, what happened on day one is NOT typical – I promise!

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Milestones of Motherhood

Is your baby as advanced in house-wrecking as mine?

When you have a baby, everyone – from your parents, to your friends, to your Health Visitor, to the Grandmother in the park you have literally never laid eyes on before – want to know all about your baby’s milestones.

Do they crawl?

Can they pull up to stand?

Are they walking yet?

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Sometimes We Lose Things

Image by Stuart Rodgers http://instagram.com/rodgersstuart

I hold my son a little tighter tonight; stroke his head once more than needed. I breathe his sleepy sighs and inhale his whispered Mama. He makes my heart hurt a little less; I am so thankful for him.

Recently, like too many others, we lost something. And I really don’t know how I should be now, what I should do. I don’t know if this is private; if I should explain my absences and cancelled plans with vague excuses of flu and a packed schedule. Or if I should admit that something big and sad has happened, and that I’m not okay at the moment.

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Suburban Fairy Tale

 

171Once upon a time, on the edge of the city, in a land pretty much like everywhere else, there lived a Mummy.  From the outset, she was a pretty ordinary Mummy, with scruffy hair and a wobbly tummy. She spent her days tidying her house, but it was never tidy. She spent her days feeding her baby, but he always needed feeding again. She spent her days drinking her cup of tea, but it never got finished. She spent her days rocking her baby to sleep, but he never slept enough. She spent her days trying to do other things too, but they never got done.

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Stuff I Don’t Have To Do Now I Have a Baby

The face of my freedom

It can be all too easy at times to mourn the things that are no longer available to me now that there’s a baby on the scene. Like long showers, being spontaneous and a decent or even half-decent night’s sleep.

For the moment at least, late night partying is well behind us; we might still be up at 3 AM and there may even be a bottle and the occasional vomit involved, but the circumstances are altogether quite different. Lazy mornings relaxing together are replaced by tag-team parenting at the weekend and begging, pleading and blackmailing for an extra 10 minutes of shut-eye in the week. This baby lark hasn’t half changed things around here.

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All Day and All of the Night

If you're happy and you know it...

10:30 PM

Go to bed; don’t pretend you don’t want to.

OK, I will go. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, he drank all his milk, the temperature is right and I said a prayer. I bet he will sleep. I’ll just do some reading.

GET THE HELL TO BED

12:00 MIDNIGHT

Already? Throw me a bone here, baby.

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Letter To My Inner Idiot

IMG_3774Dear Idiot,

I am writing this for your own good, for our own good really. I know you don’t think you are an idiot, which is kind of one of the main issues, and why I have deemed it necessary to take action. You actually seem to fancy yourself as a bit of a smarty pants with your time saving ideas, stupid lists and unrealistic expectations. But let me be clear, you are a fool. And it’s about time someone told you – other than your husband, who we both know rarely gets a fair hearing.

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